Enormous gonads aside, Wilde (whose full name was Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde (say that three times fast)) was an Irish writer whose works make you think twice before you form an opinion or act. There’s the “Picture of Dorian Gray,” a horrific story all about what the real cost of achieving perceived beauty is. Then there’s his play “The Importance of Being Earnest,” a satirical chastisement on how ridiculously fixated people become on defining themselves by one innocuous fact.
Wilde penning your resignation will result in two terse paragraphs whose recipients will know they’ve just been slapped with a silk glove: It’s all-over class with a dash of sass and a hint of smart-ass. You can expect nothing else from a man that had to deal with an unrelenting society for the majority of his life (and who also had the best last words out of any of the dying population).
Mark Twain (whose real name is “Samuel L. Clemens,” for those of you dorks just itching for a correction) was a satirical genius trapped inside a body with hair that perpetually looked as if he had just stuck a knife in a toaster.
Twain is America’s literary darling. Everyone was forced to read “Tom Sawyer” and “Huckleberry Finn” at one point or another, scheming up a way to go to their own funeral or figuring out how to get on a river raft and flowing far away from English class. Going back to them as an adult (or maybe even as a precocious teenager), one realizes that Twain’s works are really worth the prestige, with a lot of powerful things to say about the state of humanity both back then and now.
If you choose Twain as your resignation co-writer, expect a product that’ll shrink your opponents down a couple of notches, all the while making them chortle. They'll feel sore at the end, though, as Twain did not seem to be one to suffer fools. He was also way ahead of his time in a lot of ways, as is reflected by many of his words. Be forewarned: Twain was a bit of a prankster. You may ask for his aid, but he’ll be sure to expose your own foolishness during the process.